At a recent family gathering at my place, a cousin of mine initiated a discussion about the people-pleasing behavior within our family. Interestingly, I didn’t perceive this behavior as people-pleasing; rather, I saw it as a form of validation or perhaps an individual’s way of making a difference in someone else’s life—contributing to something beyond oneself. However, I couldn’t pinpoint the most appropriate term to associate with it, nor could I reach a conclusion during the discussion.

Intrigued by the idea, I was keen to understand it better. However, I made it a point to acknowledge that, ultimately, an individual’s intention matters the most. Yet, an observer can perceive it in different ways.

Recently, I came across the concept of biological drama, and one aspect that stood out to me was Tribal Validation. Below are my notes from my research (read: web, YouTube, podcasts):

The Psychology Behind Tribal Validation

Many psychologists and anthropologists argue that human beings are hardwired for social validation because our survival once depended on it.

In the past, rejection from the tribe could mean death—so our brains evolved to desperately seek approval and fear exclusion. Even though we now live in modern society, our brains still function as if we are part of a small prehistoric tribe. This is why social validation feels so important, even when it comes from strangers online.

Humans are social beings. In ancient times, being accepted by the tribe meant protection, food, and mating opportunities. Rejection, on the other hand, could mean starvation or being left vulnerable to predators. Social validation was, therefore, a survival tool. People who were respected and well-liked were more likely to receive help and resources. As a result, our brains evolved to associate social validation with survival and happiness.

Rejection Feels Like Physical Pain

Your brain treats social rejection as a life-threatening event. Studies show that being socially rejected activates the same brain regions as physical pain. This is why breakups, being ignored, or losing friends can feel physically painful.

FOMO – The Fear of Missing Out

In prehistoric times, being left out meant missing valuable survival information. Today, this instinct gets hijacked by social media, making us obsess over likes, comments, and online validation.

Social Media: The Ultimate Tribal Validation Machine

Social media manipulates our tribal instincts, making us feel like we belong to a global tribe. Every like, comment, and share triggers a dopamine release, rewarding our need for social approval.

Companies exploit our tribal instincts by encouraging us to buy things to gain social status.

Luxury Brands = Modern Tribal Status Symbols

In ancient tribes, clothing, weapons, and jewelry signified rank and power. Today, brands like Gucci, Rolex, and Ferrari hijack this instinct—people buy them not just for quality, but for social validation.

Why do people rush to buy the latest iPhone even when their old one works fine? Because owning the newest technology signals intelligence, wealth, and status—just as having the best tools did in prehistoric times.

Similarly, looking fit, strong, or attractive has always been a way to signal high reproductive value. This is why gyms, plastic surgery, and cosmetic brands all tie into social validation.

How to Escape the Tribal Validation Trap

• Recognize when your brain is seeking tribal approval. Before posting on social media, ask yourself: Am I doing this for myself or for external validation? Do I truly need this, or am I trying to impress others?
• Reduce social media usage. Be mindful of how much time you spend seeking approval online.
• Embrace self-validation. Instead of relying on others for confidence, build internal self-worth through hobbies, skills, and mindfulness.
• Understand that rejection is not a threat. Your brain may panic when someone ignores you, but remind yourself: I am not in danger. I will be okay. The more you detach from external validation, the freer you become.

The Balance Between External and Internal Validation

Social validation isn’t inherently bad—it has helped us survive as a species. The problem is that modern technology and marketing exploit this instinct, making us constantly seek approval. Once you recognize how this works, you can break free and live on your own terms.

We naturally seek validation from others, but self-validation—trusting your own judgment, choices, and worth—is much harder.

Why?

• Since childhood, we’ve been conditioned to seek praise from teachers, parents, and peers.
• Society rewards external validation (grades, awards, promotions, likes, and followers).
• However, relying too much on outside approval makes us vulnerable to others’ opinions.

Shift Focus: From How I’m Seen to What I Create

• External validation is about being seen (likes, comments, admiration).
• Internal validation is about creating value (skills, learning, personal growth).

Final Thoughts: The Power of Internal Validation

• You don’t need likes, followers, or social approval to be worthy.
• Your happiness shouldn’t depend on how others react to you.
• When you validate yourself, you become unstoppable.

By understanding our innate craving for social validation, we can learn to balance external approval with internal fulfillment—allowing us to live more authentically and independently.