I recently read Dear Ijeawele: A Feminist Manifesto in Fifteen Suggestions by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie—a short yet powerful book that makes for an excellent conversation starter with friends and family. It offers thought-provoking suggestions that invite deep reflection.

The book is essentially compiled out of a collection of letters the author wrote to a friend, offering a roadmap on how to raise her daughter as a feminist. While the original text refers to a girl child, the principles shared can be easily interpreted in a gender-neutral way.

I’ve listed the key suggestions and ideas that stood out to me—both as a reminder for myself and a springboard for further discussion.

1. Be a Whole Person

• Embrace the fullness of your identity beyond motherhood. Parenting is a gift, but it should not eclipse your individuality.
• Never apologize for working. Loving what you do — or even valuing what your job enables — is a powerful example for your child.
• Reject the false binary of motherhood vs. career. The idea that they are mutually exclusive is limiting and outdated.
• There’s no such thing as a “superwoman.” Parenting is not performance — it’s presence, practice, and love.
• Take time for yourself. Your well-being matters.
• Don’t buy into the pressure to “do it all.” Our culture glorifies women who juggle everything without ever questioning why they must.

2. Parent Together

• Mothers are often conditioned to do it all — and sometimes unintentionally sideline fathers. Resist this.
• Let go of perfectionism and that ingrained sense of duty.
• Share parenting equally. What “equal” looks like will differ in each family, but both partners’ must decide.

3. Reject Gender Roles

• Never tell a child to or not to do something “because they are a girl.”
• “Because you’re a girl” is never a valid reason for anything. Ever.
• Cooking is a learned skill — not something biologically assigned.I liked her dialogue “The knowledge of cooking does not come preinstalled in a vagina.”
• Challenge the narrative of marriage as a prize for women. It’s rooted in outdated norms.
• Recognize how deeply gender roles are embedded — we often follow them even when they go against our happiness.

4. Normalize Female Power

• Understand that society often judges powerful women more harshly than powerful men. Help your daughter see through that bias.

5. Encourage a Love for Reading

• Raise a reader by being one. Let her see books as tools for expression, discovery, and self-growth.
• Let her read widely — novels, memoirs, histories.
• And if needed, bribe her. Yes, even pay her to read. The long-term payoff is worth it.

6. Teach Her to Question Language

• Language carries our beliefs and biases. But to teach her awareness, you must first examine your own words.
• Don’t condition her to dream of marriage. Teach her it’s a choice, not a destiny.
• Point out double standards. If someone criticizes ambition in women but not in men — the problem isn’t ambition, it’s misogyny.
• Help her question systems: “Why are culturally prestigious roles often reserved for men?”

7. Marriage Is Not an Achievement

• Never present marriage as an accomplishment. It can be a source of joy or sorrow, but it isn’t a life goal.
• Remind her that society still places more value on a woman’s marital and maternal roles — and teach her to question that.
• Don’t expect women to make relationship sacrifices men aren’t also expected to make.

8. Reject the Pressure to Be Likeable

• Her goal is not to be liked — it’s to be whole. Honest. Kind. Assertive.
• We teach girls to be agreeable at the cost of their authenticity. Undo that.

9. Root Her in Identity

• Give her a strong sense of identity. Name it. Celebrate it. Let her see herself as, for example, a proud Igbo woman — but also teach her to critically engage with her culture.
• Teach her about privilege and dignity. Model how to treat domestic workers, drivers, and all people with respect. Link this to family values: “In our family, we greet everyone older with respect, no matter their job.”

10. Be Mindful of Appearance and Femininity

• Encourage her to play sports — it builds confidence and counters body image pressure, especially during puberty.
• Let her enjoy makeup or fashion if she wants to — or let her reject both. Feminism is about choice, not rejecting femininity.
• Make style a matter of taste and personal expression, not morality.
• Surround her with strong female role models — real-life “aunties” she can admire. Speak openly about what you admire in them. Children mirror what we model.

11. Question the Use of Biology as a Justification

• Teach her to be skeptical when biology is used selectively to justify inequality.
• We often cite “male physical strength” to rationalize male privilege — but if biology truly governed social roles, lineage would trace through mothers, not fathers.
• Biology is fascinating, yes. But it should never be used to cement social norms — because those norms are man-made, and anything created by humans can be changed.

12. Start Talking About Sex Early

• Don’t wait for the “right time.” Begin early — even if it feels awkward.
• Remove shame from female sexuality.
• Many cultures and religions attempt to control women by controlling their bodies. Shine light on that.
• Teach her that periods are natural and powerful. Periods are nothing to be ashamed of. Periods are normal and natural, and the human species would not be here if periods did not exist.

13. Normalize Romance — But Redefine It

• Love will happen. Be ready and open to guide her.
• Teach her that love is both giving and receiving.
• Girls are often taught that love is sacrifice. Boys are not taught the same. Break that cycle.
• In a healthy relationship, both people give. Both people support — not based on gender, but based on capacity.

14. Teach Her About Differences

• Make differences feel ordinary. Treat them as the norm — because they are.
• Help her see that differences — in race, gender, class, ability — do not come with value labels.
• This isn’t just about fairness; it’s about preparing her to live with grace and strength in a diverse, complicated world.

In theory, all of this sounds thoughtful, reasonable—even inspiring. But putting it into practice is a different kind of work. Uncovering unconscious biases and confronting them takes time, patience, and often discomfort.

Still, awareness is the first step. Reflection is a powerful tool. And when families and friends come together in that reflection, the ripple effect can reach far beyond the individual.

Change doesn’t have to be loud or immediate—it just needs to be honest and collective. That’s how we grow. That’s how societies evolve—one conversation, one unlearning, one deliberate choice at a time.